I had three goals as she was entering my 30s:
1) Finish residency.
2) Have my babies
When I met my (now ex) husband, I told him my 3-point agenda, but he was not listening. Men don’t listen well. He was thrilled by my goal oriented personality but he didn’t pay attention to the fact that he was not going to be the centre of my world. He was not going to be an integral part of my dreams.
He shared my vision, since japa was his priority & he was ready to start a family. However, I had presented a “you go do or you no go do” disposition. Romance was not a priority.
When a person shows you who they are, believe them. Don’t allow misperceptions and misinterpretations. What they said is what they said. “I love her..she is such a goal getter” but are you her goal?
Anyway, fast forward almost a decade later, with lots of water under the bridge, I packed my bags and left.
Nigerian culture would say it was a ‘use and du mp situation’. I respect that. I won’t even make excuses or try to pull any “even though” stunts.
Bottom line was that, after a decade, a critical appraisal of our partnership showed me we had achieved our mutual goals. It was a win+win.
However, a subsequent feasibility study showed that we were going to be shackled in a loveless and bitt£r marriage, if we continued into the next decade together.
Looking back, what were the major missteps here:
1) I should have chased my 3-point agenda on my own, while waiting for love to find me or vice versa.
I didn’t need him for japa or Fellowship, obviously. However, making babies was a different matter. I knew I didn’t necessarily need a man to make my babies but I feared the stigma that the Nigerian culture & Christian religion would inflict on me, if I pursued my IVF/donor-facilitated single
motherhood journey. So, I settled for the ‘traditional’ approach. Big mistake. Sis, if love doesn’t find u & the clock is running out, make your babies. Single motherhood can be with dignity.
2) He should have walked away that day, when I shared my goals with him. It was a business meeting but he thought it was a romantic outing. A transactional marriage was the only item on my agenda but he thought I would fall in love with time.
Even if he didn’t leave that first date, he should have left, when love didn’t grow. I didn’t hide it. I didn’t pretend. I was his everything but he wasn’t mine. I have been madly in love twice in my life and he was not one of them.
That’s why I pity guys, when they start this “what are you bringing to the table” conversations during dates. First date oh.
Ogbeni, faraburuku bale….. observe if this woman likes u… if she go fall in love…if u will become the breath that she breathes..her everything.
When a woman loves you, omo! Nothing friends, family, or twitter feminists wan tell. She go dey hide spoil you.
When a man loves you, Sola go talk taya, Bro go continue simping’….he no go look Twitter Patriachs’ faces. Forget maths…… Chemistry yen gan gan ni koko. Aligned goals is not enough. Prospect, pockets, & potentials are not enough.